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Tik Tok Trend Divides Women

Women are having a really bad week. Recently Kansas City Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker made controversial statements about women during the commencement address at Benedictine College in Atchison, Kansas. Butker advised women (who just earned their degrees) to get married, forget their careers, have babies and stay home. Yes, women can do that and I applaud those who do. However, earning a degree does not cancel out that option, it merely opens up other possibilities as well should those babies need to be housed and fed and they are in fact dependent on you to make sure that is handled.

In addition to hearing Butker's comments, I also learned about the recent video of Rapper Sean Combs violently attacking his then girlfriend Cassie Ventura. Such a violent attack begins when men believe that we are their property and must do what they say. If not, the consequences will be tragic. That's why I am so disturbed by this new trend on Tik Tok. It is really ticking me off. The videos are called “Black Wife Effect.” In the videos there are non-black men who seem to morph from nerdy to hunks after marrying black women. The gloves are off. I loathe this message and this trend.


I have been married quite a while and believe the changes that occur in individuals in marriage are less about race and more about the character of the partners in the relationship and their admiration for each other. I tell my husband Nashid that I like how he is kind to people and not easily prone to anger. I try to emulate that because I admire that trait. I see the value of it and wish I were more like that. He has told me often that he likes how generous I am with others, both with my time and with my resources. Nashid tries to emulate my behavior in his interactions. He sees behavior he likes, processes it and assesses if it might be of value to him to incorporate in his interactions. We notice something, ponder its value in our own lives and respond accordingly.


This “Black Wife” trend is suggesting that non-white men become more attractive merely because they marry black women. Such a suggestion pits us against other races of women. Why would seemingly intelligent, beautiful black women participate in such an exercise? What good comes from that?  


If the men that I have seen in the videos have morphed into sexier beings it is not solely the result of being married to a black woman. The metamorphosis in fact occurred because the non-white man married a woman with a sense of style, sufficient resources and enough influence in their relationship to incorporate that sense of style into his style choices. I have not been shy about saying that my sense of style more closely matches Oscar rather than Felix’s from the show “The Odd Couple.” I can assure you that were I, as a black woman, married to a non-white man his clothing choices would not improve. At most he would not go in public with mustard on his shirt, because I would surely catch that. Of course, if I am too busy wiping the mustard off mine, then maybe not. In our relationship, I ask Nashid what matches and what to wear when I have days that I know require more attention to my attire. He has a far better sense of style than I. I am ok with that and couldn’t care less. It’s the yin and the yang of a relationship.


What I do care about is when we as black women mindlessly participate in acts that cause division and seeks to elevate us at the expense of another group of women. For the collective good, please stop it and remember: A house divided cannot stand.


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